Humanity's origin story is still pushing us toward the brutal, tribalistic behaviors that helped us survive back when those were the only options. In the old days, survival required unapologetic violence against rivals, brutal hunting and slaughtering, and unabashed procreation with any fertile partner. No one was asking anyone for consent. It was rough.
Today, there are 8 billion of us crowded on a planet that we’ve sucked dry as we continue to seek domination above all else. Our survival as a species now requires a drastically different approach. But since our inner caveman never grew out of his brutish mindset, he's still urging us to fight, hunt, dominate, and make babies ad nauseam. Reality is somberly telling us that those strategies won’t work anymore. It’s time to adapt. But how?
Our capacity for empathy has given us an invaluable tool that the inner caveman does not understand. Whenever we encounter a challenge, our brain democracy jumps into a debate on how to handle it. The inner caveman screams, "Fight those other people! They're different, they're the enemy! We've got to get ours before they come and take it!" Other voices in the democracy respond too. Our inner scientist says, "Actually you're barely any different from them at all. It makes more sense to work with them rather than against them." Our inner nurturer says, "Why would we cause pain for one of our people? Surely there's an alternative."
This is the nexus at which we stand. We can keep using outdated strategies or we can try something new. If we have any hope of stopping our inner caveman's violent impulses, we need a foolproof way to convince him that every single person who looks, thinks, or acts differently from him isn't his enemy. We're all just one tribe now (picture a Coke commercial, but less problematic.)
This predicament is why the Empathy Paradigm matters. When I stood face to face with my enemy in a cold jail cell in 2017, my inner caveman was hungry for battle. He was incredulous when I sat down and spoke gently to a man who had destroyed the innocence of many children. I could see reflected in him the man who had stolen my innocence and safety 20 years prior. Despite my rage, I opened my heart to the most unlikely thing: empathy.
It took some time for me to understand what took place that day. The rage and disgust in me broke and were replaced with connection, something I was conditioned to avoid. Like raw new skin, I was painfully sensitive but undeniably changed. As time passed, I began putting words to this paradigm shift. In the empathy paradigm, I had no enemies.
Prior to this experience, the entire world had been against me. The suffering and isolation of my childhood had left me bitter, cynical, and chronically suicidal by age 5. By age 8 I had multiple traumas to add to my list of evidence against trust and connection. I was broken, no matter how many times I said the sinner's prayer. But suddenly, after two decades of dutiful survival, I stumbled into safety.
After meeting and forgiving Joe in the jail that day, I had an excruciating realization. Joe wasn't my worst enemy. I was. I had hated the body and mind I'd been trapped in for my whole life, never uttering a single kind word to myself. Yet here I was, learning to forgive someone else who by all accounts should be unforgivable. I spoke to myself the way I'd spoken to Joe and began to feel something tender and unexpected. Empathy, the very last thing I ever thought I could possibly have for myself, bloomed in my chest.
This healing experience of learning empathy, not just for my enemy, but for myself was too profound to deny. As I talked to loved ones and colleagues, my new paradigm became more concrete. Its foundation was simple: Once I understand someone I no longer want to hurt them.
With Joe, the inmate, it took digging into his horrible past and current reality to realize that I understood his choices. In turn, it prompted me to view myself with grace instead of hatred. I was elated and determined to create a formula that could cultivate this kind of understanding for anyone. Here's what evolved:
Identity + Experiences + Circumstances
=
Feelings + Beliefs + Behaviors
In statement form, the equation sounds like this: “Based on who you are, what you’ve been through, and what’s been going on lately, the way you're feeling, thinking, and behaving is understandable. I still may not agree with you, but I understand your reasons.”
The Empathy Equation, despite its relative simplicity, is deceptively challenging to practice. Learning with genuine curiosity and non-judgment is something our inner caveman has rarely accomplished. Even our evolved, civilized brains are conditioned towards othering and inflexibility. So when it's time to empathize with different people, this skill takes intentionality, time, and practice.
Intentionally learning and understanding why other people feel, think, and act the way they do is essential to empathy. The good news is, once we've seen someone's suffering and connected with them, we can't help but accept them into our tribe, forgive them, and protect them. Sorry inner caveman, no more blood feuds for you, buddy.
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