Beliefs + Behaviors vs. Identity

Distinguishing between our beliefs (what we think), our behaviors (what we do), and our identities (who we are) is a critical part of growing and learning. It also happens to be our best defense against shame. For starters, let's define these terms. 

Beliefs are temporary opinions we hold based on the limited information we currently have available. 

Behaviors are the choices we make and actions we take based on our beliefs. Both our beliefs and behaviors can change easily when we learn from our experiences. 

Identity is the core traits and values that we choose to embrace and embody. When we establish an identity, our beliefs and behaviors will typically evolve to be in alignment with it. While beliefs and behaviors are constantly changing, identity is where we choose to drop our anchor.

Why is this differentiation so important? 

When we think flexibly, test theories, make mistakes, and learn from them, we shouldn’t feel like we're betraying ourselves. Changing our beliefs and behaviors frees us to adapt to our circumstances without shame. Alternatively, if we think that being wrong or making a mistake reflects our actual identity, we’ll view any cognitive or behavioral flexibility as a character flaw. This traps us in belief systems and behavioral patterns that don't even represent our authentic selves.

As children, many of us were taught that our actions represent or even define us. This perspective is completely backward. What we think or do at a single point in time is not who we are. If that were the case, we’d be doomed to be "bad" the first time we make a bad decision. Fortunately, if we don't like the impact that our beliefs and behaviors have on the world, we can change them to be more representative of who we actually are.

How do we know if we're confusing our beliefs and behaviors with our identity?

Three maladaptive (unhelpful) patterns tend to show up when we don’t differentiate. They include shame, defensiveness, and rigid thinking.

Shame: Tying our beliefs and behaviors to our identity makes it way too easy to sink into self-loathing. Every regrettable choice we make seems like proof of our fundamental inadequacy. We think, "If I were a better person, I wouldn't have done that." This leaves us feeling powerless to change. 

Defensiveness: When we think our actions represent our identity, we have a very fragile sense of self to defend. If we make any mistakes or cause unintended harm, we feel vulnerable, instinctively trying to defend ourselves. When someone calls us out for being wrong about something, it feels like an accusation that we’re a bad person. Naturally, we get defensive.

Rigid Thinking: The last trap of conflating our beliefs with our identities is inflexible thinking. Rather than holding our beliefs loosely, we cling to them. We think that compromising or changing our minds will make us lose ourselves. This leaves us trapped in our refusal to change.

None of those outcomes are necessary, though. Our beliefs and behaviors don't define us. Recognizing this distinction brings surprising liberation and empowerment. When we have regrets, we don't need to feel doomed or ashamed. Our regrettable past beliefs and behaviors no longer represent us. Because we’ve learned and grown, we can be a more authentic version of ourselves.

Emotions: What's the point?

Deconstructing emotions is a recurring theme in my therapy practice. A lot of people, especially those of us who consider ourselves "thinkers" rather than "feelers", have an uncomfortable relationship with our emotions. To further complicate it, society often tells us that some feelings are "good" and others are "bad", prompting us to avoid or seek them out accordingly.

Unfortunately, when we attach unnecessary moral value to our emotions or try to dispense with them completely, we end up making our feelings even harder to understand and accept. It also yields some surprising barriers to healthy functioning. 

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the language we use to describe having emotions is the exact same language we use to describe physical sensations: we “feel” emotions in much the same way that we “feel” things like heat, tension, or pain. Just like physical sensations, our feelings only have meaning when looked at in context. Feelings might seem unhelpful, inconvenient, or overwhelming based on the circumstances, but that doesn't make them unimportant.

It would be strange to think of a physical sensation as “wrong” because our body sensations always have some kind of value that helps us survive. If I accidentally stepped into a bear trap, I would experience pain. Even though the pain would be unpleasant, it would be very useful. Without it, how would I know that I had a nasty wound on my food that needed attention?

Emotions offer us equally relevant information. We need to pay attention to them if we want to function effectively. If someone tried to live life ignoring their emotions (and many people have), they would be doomed to eventually suffer the consequences of overlooking the crucial information their emotions had to offer.

So what exactly do our feelings tell us? Each emotion has a specific function, giving us unique information about what we’re experiencing and how we can choose to respond. Just like we would want to collect as much data as possible before developing a scientific theory, knowing what our feelings are telling us allows us to make more informed decisions. 

I like to ask two main questions when investigating emotions:

1) What information is this giving me?
2) What is this motivating me to do?

Fortunately for us, each of the basic emotions occurs under specific circumstances, making them easier to identify. Additionally, they each have a purpose: to give us energy and motivation to do something necessary. Here's my breakdown of some of the most common emotions and the information and motivations they give us.

Anger informs me there has been a perceived injustice to myself or others.
Anger motivates me to speak up, defend myself or others, or do what I can to stop continued injustice.

Disgust informs me that something I'm exposed to seems repulsive to toxic me.
Disgust motivates me to either get away from the source of my repulsion OR evaluate my bias against it.

Fear informs me that there has been a perceived threat to one of my needs.
Fear motivates me to find a way to fight, flee, or play dead (freeze) to defend myself from the threat.

Guilt informs me that I have done something that is incongruent with my core values.
Guilt motivates me to stop the incongruent behavior, make amends, or reassess my values.

Hurt informs me that I have been wounded.
Hurt motivates me to take adequate time to heal and set protective boundaries to prevent future wounds.

Enjoyment informs me that I am appreciating something that's here and now.
Enjoyment motivates me to notice my gratitude, savor the moment, and seek it out again.

Loneliness informs me that I am lacking meaningful connections with others.
Loneliness motivates me to be vulnerable enough to seek genuine connections with other people.

Sadness informs me that I have experienced a loss.
Sadness motivates me to take adequate time to grieve and accept that the loss occurred and evaluate if I want to risk that kind of loss again.

Shame informs me that I am confronting my human limitations and imperfection.
Shame motivates me to accept my humanity and set realistic expectations and boundaries for myself.

That's all I have for now.

Thoughts? Feelings? Moral objections? Personally, I think living is a lot easier and more effective when we actually listen to our emotions and take action in a constructive way. If you've tried the alternative, you already know the consequences. 

Progress + Equality

It struck me recently how important progress is to our continued human existence. Not only does progress save us from despair by giving us hope for a better future (and hopefully one where we don't destroy the planet); but it also acts as a strong motivator to make the changes that are most difficult. Dedicating our efforts to making the world a better place is investing in our own well-being AND the well-being of future generations. Win-win, right?

Oddly, there seems to always be a subset of the population who are anti-progress. Remember back when America abolished slavery? There was an embarrassingly large group of folks who DIDN'T want slavery to end. There was a whole war about it. Remember when women were given the right to vote? There were protests and moral outrage from those who thought the very idea of an autonomous woman was unnatural. These not-so-long-ago examples are uncomfortably similar to some of our current-day debates.

Since empathy is a high value for me, when I feel myself starting to villainize another person or group, I try to take a step back and consider what the situation looks like from their perspective. I doubt that many people would actually say that they are against progress, so I wonder why so many political, social, and religious talking points seem to suggest otherwise.

From an evolutionary perspective, every living being on the planet is taking part in the slow but irresistible momentum toward adaptation and survival. No organic being is stagnant because we're constantly making adaptive adjustments as our understanding of the world increases. As humans, we're exceptional at learning, imagining, and creating new ways to adapt and progress. Modern medicine, automobiles, and the internet are just of few examples. 

Thanks to this progress, humanity is *finally* at a stage when nearly all of us agree that humans should be treated equally and no one should be enslaved. We're less tribalistic, less racist, less sexist, and much better at protecting vulnerable populations from being exploited. Good job, humans!

Fundamentalists, whether religious or political, seem to have a different perspective, however. It seems that the preservation of their own truths and traditions is a higher priority for them. While I typically endorse letting people choose and pursue their own core values, this quintessential difference in priorities is really getting in our way. In centuries past, this clash was the source of significant frustration and stagnation. Today, it's threatening our very survival as a species.

Instead of giving into panic, I think there's an important discourse we need to have. It begins with some big questions: What does progress look like for humanity right now? Is the old way of operating really worth preserving? What would we be sacrificing if we stopped fighting our own evolution? 

Some of the most important forms of progress that we could choose to embrace right now are seen as threats to many who identify as conservative. A prime example is our evolving understanding of systemic inequity based on race, gender, sexuality, and other factors. Research, empathy, and science have offered us new insight into the unjust nature of our old systems. If you talk to a politically conservative or religiously fundamentalist person on these topics, however, they are very likely to respond with disgust, anger, and even fear. 

This crazy-making predicament honestly makes me hope that we're just having an epic misunderstanding. Because how could any human who values all other humans equally be AGAINST initiatives that increase equity? The problem seems to lie in our basic view of what EQUALITY means. 

If you believe that being transexual is not a legitimate identity, does that mean you're no longer obligated to treat people who say they are trans as equals? If you believe that women were designed to be submissive to men and feminism is wrong, does that mean that you have the right to deny women the opportunity to thrive independently? If you believe that people of other races are just "different" and that's why they have historically experienced more hardships, does that justify your choice not to change ongoing systems that disadvantage them? 

If you believe in Equality, you believe in progress. If you value empathy, you value the well-being of people you disagree with. As individual members of the human race, we don't get to choose which types of equality we feel like supporting. I know that the inevitable slippery slope, family values, and individual freedoms arguments are primed and ready, but ultimately those are excuses to put off making changes that would make all people equal. Maybe then we could focus on saving the planet we all share.

Am I wrong? I often am. If you have a differing opinion that still rests on the assumption that all human beings are equal, I would love to discuss it. 

Identity (The Empathy Equation)

In my last post, I introduced the Empathy Equation. Here’s a reminder:

Identity + Experiences + Circumstances = Feelings + Beliefs + Behaviors

In order to do it justice, I’m going to break down each element in the equation in detail. Today, we’re focusing on identity, the first term in the Empathy Equation. Identity in this context refers to the traits, values, and roles that make a person who they are. Each person’s identity is completely unique and completely subjective. Our identities develop early in life but continue to evolve over time as we get to know ourselves and learn more about how we fit into the world.

Traits are the parts of our identity that are usually born in or formed in early childhood. They are the basic categories that we use to identify ourselves such as name, family, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, culture, etc. Other traits are things like personality, temperament, genetics, and any physical or mental predispositions that we’re born with. Developmental psychologists theorize that most of our personality develops within the first few years of life, making it a foundational part of who we are and how we act.

Values are the motivational parts of our identity. They inspire passion, bring us a sense of purpose, and define our character. We often form our early values through family and culture, but our most meaningful values are the ones we choose autonomously. When our behaviors are aligned with our values, we feel confident and comfortable. When our behaviors are incongruent with our values, we usually feel ill at ease until we either change our behaviors or choose new values. When I work with clients who want to understand their identity, we usually begin by identifying their values.

Lastly, Roles are the parts we play that are modeled after various archetypes. Psychologist, Carl Jung described these archetypes as representations of the universal parts of humanity’s collective unconscious. Each role or archetype that we try out plays a part in molding our identity. We choose which roles we want to adopt and we can change them from one season of life to the next. Although identity roles can correlate with jobs or careers, they don’t depend on external behaviors. When our values change, our roles often also adjust to fit our new understanding of who we are.

If I’m trying to understand someone’s feelings, beliefs, and behaviors (the second part of the empathy equation), the first thing I’ll want to investigate is their identity (aka. their traits, values, and roles). Before I start, though, it’s essential to remember that identity can’t be “right” or “wrong”. Identities simply are. When a person makes a helpful or unhelpful choice, we can’t blame it all on their identity. Remember how I used to work with inmates in the jail? Do you think those people I met were there because their core identity was “a criminal”? Of course not! They each had unique personalities and values and roles that were valid and useful, regardless of the choices they made.

Why do I bother to point that out? Sadly, many people operate on the toxic belief that a person’s identity itself can be evil or broken. Not only does that false logic make us write people off prematurely, but it also causes toxic shame that makes us feel trapped and unable to change. Healthy self-love and respect for others allow us to grow and adapt while still embracing and accepting our identities.

That being said, an identity role can get in the way of productive change if we cling to it even when the evidence shows that changing would be more adaptive. When someone attaches a belief system to their identity, there is always a risk that their values will be compromised. We’ll go into more detail on beliefs when we get to that part of the Empathy Equation, but it’s important to understand the difference between a belief (what you think) and an identity (who you are). When things aren’t black and white, we can do a lot of damage by stubbornly clinging to a belief that isn’t congruent with our values.

Perhaps this is why we often see scandals emerge where someone who professes positive values justifies harmful actions because of a belief system that was a higher priority to them. The more I’ve learned about Religious Trauma, the more I’ve come to recognize the misunderstanding that many people of faith have about the nature of beliefs and identity. That’s a topic for another blog, though.

Below is a list of values that I often go over with my clients. What resonates with you?

• Adaptation (flexibility, accommodation, adjustment)
• Ambition (drive, aspiration, desire)
• Analysis (assessment, evaluation, investigation)
• Authenticity (truth, genuineness, originality)
• Ballance (temperance, moderation, carefulness)
• Belonging (connection, acceptance, community)
• Caution (careful, tentative, thoughtful)
• Certainty (undoubting, assured, confident)
• Collaboration (cooperation, participation, teamwork)
• Compassion (mercy, grace, benevolence)
• Competition (rivalry, contest, controversy)
• Consistency (dependability, stability, predictability)
• Courage (bravery, daring, fearlessness)
• Courtesy (politeness, kindness, deference)
• Creativity (invention, innovation, discovery)
• Curiosity (inquisitiveness, questioning, exploring)
• Discipline (reserve, restraint, regulation)
• Diversity (nonconformance, defiance, resistance)
• Duty (obligation, responsibility, work)
• Empathy (sensitivity, understanding, inclusivity)
• Excellence (achievement, accuracy, success)
• Excitement (adventure, anticipation, variety)
• Freedom (autonomy, independence, agency)
• Gratitude (thankfulness, appreciation, contentment)
• Humor (amusement, levity, sarcasm)
• Influence (persuasion, impact, guidance)
• Integrity (ethics, honesty, honorability)
• Intentionality (purposeful, deliberate, mindful)
• Justice (impartiality, equity, fairness)
• Logic (reasoning, intellect, deduction)
• Loyalty (commitment, attachment, allegiance)
• Nurture (care, soothing, support)
• Optimism (hopeful, expectant, positive)
• Order (organization, categorization, systematic)
• Passion (expression, drama, poignant)
• Peace (serenity, calm, harmony)
• Play (enjoyment, fun, amusement)
• Power (strength, authority, leadership)
• Practicality (objectivity, groundedness, realism)
• Productivity (activity, effort, industriousness)
• Progress (evolution, improvement, advancement)
• Propriety (poise, decorum, properness)
• Recognition (respect, esteem, honor)
• Selflessness (helpful, altruistic, sacrificial)
• Simplicity (clarity, directness, plainness)
• Skepticism (doubt, suspicion, critical thinking)
• Spirituality (supernatural, sacred, metaphysical)
• Tolerance (inclusivity, forbearance, non-judgment)
• Virtue (righteousness, morality, principal)
• Wealth (abundance, affluence, prosperity)
• Wisdom (insight, perceptiveness, discernment)