Here’s an example: A cheating husband is worried that his wife is getting suspicious about his affair because she found lipstick stains on his shirt. To make sure she doubts herself, he tells her that her eyesight must be going bad because there’s no stain on his shirt at all. The wife, who’s been through this song and dance before, is conditioned to question her own sanity (and eyesight) rather than her loving husband’s motives. Such a catch, that one!
As you can imagine, this manipulative denial of reality is deeply damaging. It’s also the foundation of most abusive relationships. High-control religious groups are no exception. When someone in spiritual authority tells you that your eyesight must be going bad, that’s huge a red flag. If they've been indoctrinating you well, you'll be primed to trust their word over your own senses.
This common thought control tactic can get even more toxic when the gaslightee starts to self-gaslight. You've successfully devoted yourself to your faith when you start believing dogma instead of your own perceptions. With daily indoctrinations, the gaslightee adopts the high-control narrative that says, “Whatever my instincts tell me to do will get me in trouble, so I just need to never trust myself and keep following instructions." Makes perfect sense, right?
For millennia our species has been refining our talent of creating an appealing narrative that explains away the mental gymnastics we’re doing. But what often starts out as a genuine effort to understand a difficult topic slowly morphs into an elaborate farce that keeps us stuck and ashamed.
In this self-defeating cycle, pride and suffering create an ever-escalating series of expectations and failures. You’re never going to be good enough, but you can never stop trying. After endless reinforcement to disconnect from your intuition and overlook glaring contradictions, you’re finally a truly devoted follower. You can now be left to judge, accuse, and punish yourself using the words that you've heard your leaders use a thousand times before. To reinforce this even further, you’ll get all kinds of validation and encouragement from the other self-gaslighters who aspire to be as self-depricating as you are.
This is why I think self-gaslighting might be the best evidence we have of an oppressive belief system. When victims become their own oppressors, the system runs like a well oiled machine. The leaders get the benefits of their group's compliance, enjoying the "blessings" they're being been given. It's amazing how effective it is to train your recruits to gaslight themselves. Gotta respect a cult leader who knows how to work smarter, not harder.
Here's the big question though: If you were one of these misled self-gaslighters, how would you know?
Self-gaslighting begins with brainwashing so most abuse victims are oblivious to the oppressive nature of their own beliefs. They're trained instead to defend it's harmful practices in the name of a wise diety who does not seem to be subject to the natural laws of equity and respect.
How many times have you heard an earnest believer explain away atrocities with a platitudes? Some of my favorites are: "The Lord works in mysterious ways," or "Everything happens for a reason," or "That person will be brought to justice in the afterlife," or "An unconfessed sin must be the reason why God allowed this to happen." Each of these party lines are methods to convince followers that God is in charge and there's nothing they could have done differently. The followers are so desperate for answers, they'll accept these woefully inadequate explanations.
The more I learn about thought control patterns, the more I realize how much oppression, both of myself and of others, I was voluntarily participating in. That isn't an assignment of blame but an acknowledgment that I was groomed to be an accomplice in my own abuse and the systemic dehumanization of others. At the time I belived that my instincts, emotions, and desires were evil and my only path to truth was through obedience and comformity.
I'll never forget how difficult it was to take those first steps toward accepting the painful reality that I had been misled. I'm still not finished deprograming my brain from the self-doubt that plagued me for so long. So what can we do to assess our belief systems without falling into the self-gaslighting cycle?
The solution to gaslighting is an unflinching commitment to reality. Reality should be the foundation of our beliefs, not clever coercion. Commiting to reality means going back to the raw facts, listening to opposing views, and searching for signs that we've been more committed to a belief than to reality itself.
Actively assessing for self-gaslighting requires non-judgmental curiosity. Think of yourself an unbiased detective who's job is gather the facts, not manipulate the outcome. Here are some self-reflection questions to get us started:
Do I ever feel like I can't trust my intuition, instincts, or emotions? Why?
Am I less likely to trust my own perceptions than my leader's? Why?
Do I ever hate my own emotional reactions or wish I could turn them off? Why?
Do I ever ignore the research on a topic because my leaders have told me it's false?
Does my belief system tell me to trust my leaders solely based on their spiritual authority?
Have I been taught to habitually repeat words/phrases from my belief system to override my doubts?
Do I feel ashamed of myself when my beleifs don't make sense to me? Why?
How do I determine what the truth is? Is it acceptable for me to challenge it?
What would the consequences be if I were to deeply question my beliefs?
What conflicts of interest might inhibit someone's critical thinking when it comes to their religious beliefs?
Would I be willing to accept reality even if it forced me rethink my beliefs?
What evidence would I be willing to accept as proof that my beliefs were false?
What ulterior motives might impact the advice I get from others?
Would I rather believe something false that's familiar or something true that would turn my world upside down?
